Lets go outside

In the 12 years I've been sexually active, I've been engaged in various degrees of sex in lots of different places : on a bed, on the floor, on a chair, in a kitchen, in a lounge room, in a bath, in a shower, in a car, on a car, on a slide, on a swing, in a park, at a beach, waiting for a train and my personal favourite, at a zoo (watching Australian Fur Seals swim makes me horny).

For example, "Dave" and I have had sex outside on numerous occasions. Not only have Dave and I had a tendency of having sex outside, we also tend to get caught.

Many moons ago in the land of gay I went to Dave's birthday at his parent's house. Enough alcohol was consumed to kill a brown dog, naturally the hormones kicked in and Dave and I snuck off into the billiards room. He pushed me against the billiards table, pulled down my pants and proceeded to give me what would've been a good blowjob, except approximately 2 1/2 minutes later his best mate walked in. I found out later it was at that moment his best mate fully accepted that Dave was gay. So glad I could be part of the healing process. Given that we'd been busted but were determined to finish what we'd started, we decided to go somewhere private (note sarcasm). So we went out the front of the house. In the driveway. Then we had sex against a car facing the road. All was going well until the man across the road decided to pop out and mow the lawn. Fear not, there were no long faces in the burbs after that. Finally common sense prevailed and we scampered upstairs to his bedroom. About 30 minutes later I was provided with the best orgasm of that particular year.

Fast forward a couple of moons to a particular evening when Dave and I were walking home along one of St. Kilda and subsequently one of Melbourne's busiest streets. I had to stop and pee so went around a corner and did a quick slash and came back, at which time Dave said "but I didn't get to see it", so I got my dick out right there and then and showed him. Did anybody see, I hear you ask dear readers. It was 6pm on one of Melbourne's busiest thoroughfares. I'm guessing my penis is up there with Luna Park as a recognisable local identity.

A couple more moons after Dave and I were walking from catching up with mates to one of our favourite pubs and took a short-cut through a park. Hands got busy and before you know it fellatio was involved. It would've had to have been one of the most short-lived blowjobs in recorded history : a rather keen pedestrian walked up. Lets all have a moment's silence in honour of this poor man, I believe he nearly screamed. After he was gone there was no way I could continue. I was too busy on the ground laughing. 


Another example of sex outside happened with "Daniel". We'd been out with friends and were on our way home in a cab when Daniel asked "Are you horny? I am" and got it out right there and then. The things the man and women that drive those convenient yellow cars must see. Once we were inside, one of his friends was staying so we decided on the lounge room as the place for a little somethin' somethin'. This would've been an advantageous decision except we'd woken his flat mate on the way in who walked through to go to the bathroom. I was mortified, I had to have dinner with her the following night and there's only so long you can avoid eye contact with someone during an intimate dinner for 4. Daniel and I only had one option left :the concreted courtyard. It was sex outside and it was good sex, but it wasn't ALL good : it was on concrete and my knees bled for days. I don't recommend it.


One place I've never had sex is at a restaurant. Should you be an eligible sexy beau dining with me one night and I get all winky, I haven't developed crazy eye. That's a signal that means BATTLE STATIONS! Meet me out the back in 5 minutes.


Oh and I was joking about the fur seals.......

The nagging former trainee nun from Nambour

As the grandson of someone who was in two concentration camps as well as wrongfully arrested, detained and very nearly almost executed by the Gestapo, I'm bitterly offended that I should be called part of a 'global gay gestapo' as a supporter of gay marriage and general marriage equality.

During the Second World War, millions were killed as a direct result of the actions of the Gestapo and more broadly, the Nazis. This included 100,000 men being arrested between 1933-1945 on suspicion of being homosexuals, mostly in Germany, which had previously been the world's most tolerant country. Of these men, between 5000-15,000 were sent to concentration camps. Roughly 60% of them perished in extermination.

The label of 'global gay gestapo' is an even harder pill to swallow when you consider it is being given to gay marriage advocates by Loree Rudd, a divorced former trainee nun who didn't fulfill her own marriage vows according to the traditions and right wing Christian values that Ms. Rudd holds so dear.

All I want is one day having the option of asking Mr. Right (whoever the hell he may be) "will you marry me?". There's nothing even vaguely similar to the practices of the Gestapo in wanting to do that. Gay marriage has nothing to do with hate crimes and everything to do with equality, inclusion and recognition.

Not to mention a whole lot of love x

For the sake of it

My mind says for now.

My body says why not.

My heart says just a little longer.

It's not like every nerve ending in me is screaming no, but it's definitely not an emphatic yes either. It's not what I wanted.

My conscious and subconscious separate from their awkward union and I'm temporarily a ship without a captain, waiting to see which one will take hold. Deciding whether or not I will do it.

Just for the sake of it.

Debbie does traffic control

When my sister and I were little, our mother taught us things like how to read, how to write and how to count in French and Italian. Last weekend I was told about the most bizarre mother to child exchange of skills I've ever heard.

In Melbourne, there's a 60 year old mother. She has children. She also has an occupation you wouldn't expect from a 60 year old mother : she's a stripper. Good on her breaking the mould, one would think. That's not all. It would seem she enjoys her job so much, her daughter does it too. Talk about keeping it in the family. Yahoo.

The mother, lets call her 'Debbie', is still a working girl. Just last week she was hired to strip at a bucks party. It started off quite routinely. She came in, she put on some music, she stripped until she was in nothing but her birthday suit. Then the goody bag came out. 'Debbie' got the first item out. It was a rather large dildo. Quite standard, what you'd expect. Then she had sex with it. The next item is what caught my attention when I was told the story and has had me slack jawed since : a witches hat. Not head gear worn by a broomstick rider. As in an orange witches hat that would section off road works or a construction site. 'Debbie' then proceeded to put the witches hat inside her vagina.

It's not the act itself that has me puzzled, it's what led to it. Does this mean that one day 'Debbie' was walking down the road with her bestie, saw some road works surrounded by witches hats and said something like "Sweet baby Jesus will you LOOK at that witches hat?! Never seen a witches that handsome before. Quick, hold my bag. I'm going to get it. I just can't WAIT to get home and put it in my vagina"?

Keep in mind ol' Debbie ain't no spring chicken. Just imagine the state her poor hoo hoo is in. One would imagine there could be enough room to have events in there and the possibility for its own McDonalds. The mind boggles.

Also, now that witches hats are the new vibrator, does this mean when girls like the once teenage 'Debbie' hit puberty, mothers worldwide are going to have to be extra cautious that rolling pins are only used in food preparation?

Bon appetit!